A Humble Proposal to Save Democracy

I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that democracy doesn’t work. I don’t know how anyone can view the current crop of leadership we have in Washington D.C. – in either party - and come to any other logical conclusion. What’s worse is that I’m not seeing a lot of hope on the horizon right now. Take this election (please). Do I vote for the tall, handsome smooth-talking inexperienced secret Muslim socialist who wants to give my money to people who didn’t earn it, or the old angry guy whose vice-presidential selection’s sole qualification appears to be the ability to field dress a moose on the Alaskan tundra? Now, you might think that I’ve taken a very complicated decision and overly simplified it, but I read all of that on the Internet, so I know it’s true.

I was trying to figure out why we keep getting stuck with such poor candidates to pick from, when it struck me. We are getting the exact leadership we deserve because we are a nation of predominantly stupid and/or ignorant people. Now you might object to this assertion for one of two reasons. First, you might yourself be a stupid and/or ignorant person (henceforth we shall refer to them (you) by the acronym SIP – I love acronyms –I’m a geek after all). Secondly, you might not be a SIP yourself, but you might object out of a misguided sense of compassion. If you doubt me, just take a look around the next time you are in line at the grocery store. Are these the people you want selecting the most powerful person on the planet?

The only possible explanation for the abject losers we have in leadership is that we have SIPs picking them. It explains a lot of other things also. Primetime television. Oprah. QVC. Commercials. Network news that reduces complex topics to sound bites. I gave up watching any news on television a long time ago because my brain got tired of filtering out all of the hype to try to get one small, golden juicy fact nugget. I turned it on the other day and couldn’t believe how much action was taking place on the screen. Headlines were flashing at the top, there were two different banners with scrolling text below, the corporate logo was spinning at random intervals and all of this was on a slowly morphing background. Good Lord - I got dizzy just trying to assimilate it all. Is this what they have done to keep people watching? And if this is what it takes, are the people picking our leaders qualified to do so?

A cold chill runs down my spine when I hear of yet another “Get Out the Vote” campaign. The problem is not that we have too few people voting. The problem is that we have far too many people voting. If someone has to be enticed to drag his lazy butt out of the Barcalounger to do something as critical as participate in democracy, maybe we don’t want him drooling in a voting booth, picking people whose name sounds familiar.

Fortunately, technology can save us from the SIPs, and it’s actually quite simple. Thanks to the infamous Florida chads, most voting in this country has now gone electronic. I propose that every citizen be required to take a short quiz before they vote. The questions will not be too difficult, but they will help determine if the person we are entrusting with selecting the future leadership of our country is paying enough attention – or has the raw brain power to form cohesive thought.

A bipartisan panel should select the questions to avoid rigging it toward one party, but here are a few of my suggestions:

1. Name two of the three branches of the federal government.

• Republican and Democrat
• Executive and Judicial
• Agriculture and State
• FBI and CIA

2. Name one Supreme Court Justice.

• David Souter
• Diana Ross
  
• Greta Van Sustern
• Judge Judi

3. How many times a week do you watch the Jerry Springer Show?

• Every day
• Once a week
• Occasionally
• Who’s Jerry Springer?

4. How many times a week do you watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart?

• Every day
• Once a week
• Occasionally
• Who’s Jon Stewart?

I’m sure we could get a panel to come up with ten good questions. If the person doesn’t get a decent score – say 6 of them right, then his vote doesn’t count. And this is what is beautiful about my proposal – we never reveal the score to the voters, and we always let them go through the motions of voting, even when we know their votes are going to be discarded. My experience is that a SIP rarely ever recognizes his own – shall we say - sippiness, so everyone gets that good feeling of participating in the process, without damaging the country with their ignorant decision-making.

Now at this point, you no doubt are thinking this is a brilliant idea (unless you’re a SIP) and could not get any better. Think again, my friend. I believe we should take it a step further and if someone gets an abysmally low score – say 3 or lower - then we not only don’t count his vote, we actually deduct one vote from the candidates he selected. We have now built in a disincentive for candidates to pander to the SIPs. They won’t want stupid or ignorant people to vote for them, so 30 second misleading commercials (such as “My opponent wants to raise your taxes to fund mandatory pornography classes for kindergartners”) will disappear overnight.

So, there it is – my humble proposal to save democracy. What do you think?